The Origins Of Valentine's Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and if you have a significant other you’re in for a real treat. Rest assured, you’re husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend or fiancé — or your EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT for that matter — will be bringing over heart-shaped boxes of candy, sweet smelling flowers, and a disposition that, in the words of Marvin Gaye, SCREAMS, Let’s Get It On.

Isn’t Valentine’s Day fun?

Well, not as fun as it used to be… “Like in the old days,” as some old guy would say.

You see, back in the old days, when holidays were coordinated by people like Nicki Minaj and Janet Jackson’s boob, the priests of the town would gather together and slaughter goats and dogs, then the men of the town would cut the meat into long strips, dip them in blood, and use them to slap the women with, in the same way that Ike Turner used to slap Tina Turner.

Whaaap!

Only in the nude.

Which, I guess, was very acceptable back then.

Apparently, the whole “slapping your meat against a woman’s body” thing was meant to make the women more fertile, and so in the coming year, or so the theory goes, the women would have mucho grandes children. In other words, they’d have a shitload. Instead of a litter, they’d have a Duggar (like 20 and counting). Then after the slapfest was over and done with, all the women who had gotten slapped and bloodied would put their name on a piece of paper, put the paper in a hat, and then run all horny to the man who chose their name out of the hat to be his bed-buddy for an entire year.

Men slapping women with their meat on Valentine's Day

Which makes you wonder how that whole “Hey, how did you meet your wife?” conversation thing go at the annual office party.

“Hey Bob, how did you meet your wife?”

“Oh, I slapped the shit outta her with my bloody meat fully naked and then I won the rights to her in a lottery. What about you?”

“I found her on Craigslist.”

In other news, I'm promoting Robert Stanek's new silly colors and shapes picture book, Mamma Sea Turtle Lost Her Babies, which I bought the other day on Amazon.  It's pretty cool, so check it out.